As someone who’s always wanting to spread the festive cheer, I’ve come up with a few ideas to ensure your Halloween is as spooktacular as possible. Plus, I like a wordplay.
Halloween is over commercialised, we already know that. However, it gives some welcome relief from the Christmas bashing we’ll soon get from all angles. Come the first day of November, all those novelty Halloween decorations will be replaced with novelty Christmas items.
Then, of course, come January we’ll be preparing for Valentine’s Day. And don’t forget it’s Easter shortly after that. Yes, we truly are in the season of festivity. Come April, we can get away from it all for a few months.
But alas, it’s only just autumn, so Halloween here, whether you’re willing to embrace it or not.
And I know better than most how much dread the 31st of October can bring to someone. Back in my younger days, my father made sure that we got egged every year by refusing to give out sweets.
Yes, misanthropy does run in the family. I look forward to passing it on to my children and grandchildren.
So to help you out, I’m here to give you some ghouls-ful tips…
Decorating
1. Pumpkin Decorating
Just like putting a tree up at Christmas, you must carve a pumpkin. So yes, it’s time to go to the supermarket, rant at the price they’re charging for a vegetable, and then take it home. It’s useful to remember you can get multiple uses from pumpkins, as they’re great for making some truly awful food from.
2. Pepper Carving
Of course, money may be tight. A cheaper alternative is to buy a pack of bell peppers (Tesco sells a pack of three, in different colours, for just £1). You can gut them and carve shapes. And because they’re too small for a candle, that saves more money too.
3. Stuck For Inspiration?
Don’t worry if you don’t know what sort of thing to carve into your pumpkins, or peppers, because you have two choices. Either carve the same grinning face everyone else does, or simply stab it loads of times and say a killer clown killed it.
4. Candles Are Dangerous
Yes, candles present a real fire risk and can make Halloween scary for the wrong reasons. Instead use battery candles. Or for a unique and scarier alternative, place coloured glowsticks in them. Imagine a pumpkin glowing green?
I know, that’s actually a proper tip. You’re welcome.
5. Put Christmas Decorations Up Now
It may not be scary for the kids, but parents will have nightmares when they see your house flashings with lights already.
Halloween Parties
6. Horrible Food
Can’t cook? Well, Halloween is the perfect chance to get away with it. Serving up terrible food is actually on message.
7. Don’t Forget The Sauces
Ketchup is great for pretending to be blood. And mustard is a great alternative to baby poo.
8. Dress As A Ghost
Old faithful when you haven’t got an idea of how to dress for a Halloween party is be a ghost. Simply chuck a bedcover over your body and pretend you died 20 years ago trying to find the corner of the bedding.
9. Or Attend Dressed As A Fire Risk Assessor
All it takes is a clipboard. To stay in character, make sure you walk around the party putting out candles and telling the hosts that the decorations are too close to radiators. For bonus points, check the smoke alarms are working and ensure the emergency evacuation route and exits are appropriate for the number of people in the home.
10. Take A Spray
You can also pretend you’re exorcising the ghosts, ghouls, and other supernatural beings by spraying stuff over them. Make sure you use a fire retardant spray as it will also work to fireproof their highly flammable costumes.
11. Be The Explainer
You will be the life and soul of the party if you go around explaining the true history of Halloween and how we’re becoming increasingly Americanized. Also, inform people why their costume of a Disney princess is only scary because it shows their complete lack of enthusiasm or effort.
Trick Or Treats
12. Put A Sign In Your Window
Put posters in the window to put people off coming and knocking your door. Try a Cliff Richard poster, or advertise the next parish walking football match for pensioners. 
Something which lets people know they don’t want to bother you.
13. Carry A Torch
It can be dark and dangerous outside, and by having a torch you make yourself visible to traffic. Plus they’re quite heavy and I’m sure they’d knock out a werewolf if you smash it over their face.
14. Give Out Candy
Yes, it may effectively be blackmail, but if someone knocks on your door asking for sweets, give them some. But also make sure you give them a tube of toothpaste too and tell them they must clean their teeth as soon as they’ve eaten it. Do they know what damage sugar can do to their teeth? If not, show them a picture you’ve printed off from the internet.
15. Children’s TV Inspiration
Take a little inspiration from kids TV and turn the tables on them. If they want sweets, fine, but they have to put their hand in the bag to get them. And make sure you fill the bag with spiders and other creepy things. If they refuse? Have someone in an upstairs window ready to dump gunge over anyone who declines.
16. No Capes Darling
Avoid wearing long trailing costumes when you’re out. They’re a trip hazard as well as a fire hazard. Plus, if you have watched The Incredibles, you’ll know the other dangers associated with capes.
17. Return The Scare
Many people like to put masks on when they open the door so they scare the people trick or treating them. It’s a good tactic. So I’m sure if you don’t put any makeup on that day, you’ll be just fine.
Incidentally, whilst looking online at tips for inspiration, I read that someone suggested that Halloween was a good time to check the local sex offender register again. Who knew you had to check sex offender registers like smoke alarms?
So I hope these tips will prove useful. Just remember that Halloween is only for one night a year. You can always use the excuse that you don’t want to let the hot air in your home out for the reason for opening the door and throwing sweets at the children.
And if you’re one of those people who enjoys Halloween, I just have one question…
Why?
I just don’t get Halloween.
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